Four stories about women I know

1.
She was renowned
For her home-made butter
Of exquisite taste

For which she nurtured a special goat
Stocked secret ingredients
Hid recipes under the ground

Until the day her grand-daughter decided to marry

The dowry was the goat
Whose head would be sacrificed
On conjugal day
To guarantee
The eternal happiness of the newly wed


2.
She told her
The water in my well is sweeter

Her told she
The water in my temple tank is holier

Unknown to she and her
The woman with a tattoo
Overheard
Their tattle
And sighed
The loudest sigh
In the world

This sigh
Was heard by a solitary rain cloud
In the sky
Who wondered
If this was the signal to end the drought


3.
When she completed
123 years
She did not recall
She had carried excreta on her head for
111 years of her life
Through the by-lanes of Madurai

When she completed
123 years
She emptied basket-loads
Near a Jacaranda tree
Whose blossom was the one thing
That brought a smile on her
Forgotten face


4.
The cling-clang
Of urban space
The blah blah of uncouth neighbours
23 family members
All migrants from Sindhri
Inhabiting a 275 sq/ft tenement
Plus 11 children

How do they manage it
What for she asked
As she prepared lemon tea
Which she would have with home-made cookies
Feeding crumbs to the fish in her aquarium

Happy Wedding Anniversary

The secret of their 2,000 year old marriage
Was neither lust
Nor the polite thank yous

It was based on a complex taal system

The number of her snores during the night
Equalled his flatulence during the day

Printer's Day

The master printer
Created patterns
On rocks, leaves, utensils, wedding sarees, carpets

He invented hues
The world had never seen
Even though he was colour blind

Five special men ...

Let me tell you about the five special men
Who have five special hobbies

Man one is a snake catcher for 33 years

Man two speaks 19 languages
Including Braille

Man three has memorised Rimley's special chess games
All of them

Man four has a lab on the hills
From which he comes tumbling down
Every time he discovers something like an alternative
To plutonium
Preferably a thermoplastic compound

Man five gets a hefty commission
From the oil mafia
Which he diverts to a school for special children

These are the five special men
I wanted to tell you about

With five special hobbies

Every day I aspire to have some such hobby
As my forefinger is poised to enter my nose
For the nth time in the day

Yasser Arafat is no more

I met Yasser Arafat
For the first time in Egypt
His body was on a horse-drawn carriage
As part of a military funeral

I asked him:
Sir: how do you do you?

He kissed me (he was forever kissing people in spite of doctor's orders)
And said, Not too good
One, I'm dead
Two, I am in Cairo and I do not have the time to see the pyramids

Saying so
He readied to play out the final charade
That began in a military hospital in France
Unto his temporary destination inside a cement container in Ramallah

All this
To the greater glee of his hecklers in the Arab League
The F-16s in the Israeli Army
And paid assassinators

Yasser Arafat knew this
Since his days in a windowless room
Inside his muqata in the West Bank
Where he used to lie down on a single camp bed
Watching rarefied species of lizards and rats, scurry around
Here and there


Finally
At 11 am
On Friday
Arafat discarded the olive green uniform
Said adieu to me

Then
He wrapped himself in a white shroud
In which he knew he would be buried
And re-buried, forever

Mister God

Er ...
Mister God?
Can I ask you a question?
Are you religious?

It's all a bit stupid, really

1.
It's all a bit stupid, really
You are born
Then you die


2.
After years of great sex
She felt love
Next morning, he left her


3.
You can go to Fatehpur Sikri
Bow your head at the tomb of Salim Chisthi
Or have a nan kathoi