Water, water everywhere

The government babu
Unveiled his water formulae
And theorems

He said:
If you connect the Ahars and Pynes in South Bihar
With the Baoris and Khatris in the Himalayas
And the Chappris and Chaals and Talabs in the Deccan Plateau
With the kuccha wells in the Gangetic plains
With the Bandhinis and Shilotris in Konkan
With the Katas, Mundas and Bandhs in Orissa
With the Thurangams in Kerala and Sisandras in Karanataka
With the Virdas in Gujarat and the Beris and Taankas in Kutch
With all the Jheels

Everyone in the nation will have access to water

That's when he realised
His throat was parched
The glass of water on the podium was empty
And there was no way any of the upper-castes
In that hall
Were going to re-fill it

The one-third syndrome

1.
One-third of the people in our country do not possess a single certificate nor document (never have, never will)

2.
One-third do not know what to do with theirs - even though someone in their family has stored all the papers in some form or the other (always have, don't know what to do with it)

3.
One-third of this one-third who own the official stamps and seals in their office desks - ensure 1 and 2 remain in a state of oblivion while they ensure two-thirds of this one-third accrue the benefits (it's part of the job profile)

4.
The rest make money

5.
In fact let me hasten to add, the rest make a lot of money

When you're a profligate idealist

Tough only life is
Life is tough only

Only tough is life

Is life only tough

When you're a profligate idealist

The missing doctor

Do you have
The telephone number
Of the old doctor
Who lives down the lane

He mends
My broken heart
Expertly
When it goes TWAANG

I'm told
By his daughter
That when she saw him last
He was rolling a beedi
Lost in thought
And may have set-out in the morning
To search for Sant Tukaram

Happy Birthday Gutenberg

1.
Gutenberg
Proposed to mass-produce
32,000 mirrors
For the Aachen pilgrimage
And make a return of 16,000 gulden
For an investment of 600 gulden


Circumstances
(Like the plague, lack of finance and a law suit)
Ensured Gutenberg
Could not produce mirrors for one lakh pilgrims

Instead
He invented
The movable type


2.
Amor vincit omnia
Love, she conquers all
And eros, she is the mother of everything

Print merely illustrates this
So that we follow our own pleasures


3.
You and I see
Bark of trees, hemp waste, old rags and fish nets
In a dirty pond with mortar

But in this
Ts'ai Lun conceived the idea of paper

Make my country awake

I tried to make my country awake
But it's pockets are empty
It has run out of cash

Now I'm told
Nobody wants to lend it money for a cutting chai

Four To Go + One More

1.
WHAT THE PROPHECY TOLD ME IN MY SLEEP
Remember: The silence which surrounded Milton's head
Was not the end
It was the preface to paradise




2.
WHAT I INTEND TO DO - SINCE ONCE UPON A TIME IS NOW
I want to memorise the facts
For things have no past
Haven't you noticed the disappearance of language, songs, and simple food eating habits



3.
WHY I WANT TO CONCEAL MYSELF, TODAY
I do not want to be a bronze statue in a museum
Instead
I want to transform into a keyboard, and alphabetise other people's treasures
Their ideologies, idiosyncrasies and irrelevancies



4.
MY WIFE FED PROFANITIES TO THE PIGEONS THROUGH THE BATHROOM WINDOW
Because one day a dinner guest swallowed all her expensive alcohol
And didn't realise it
Instead at 3 am when the shops were shut, he said:
"Can I've some more? My glass is empty."


5.
THE HISTORY OF AN ACTOR
For years I have been trying to figure out
Whether he was a celebrity in a mohalla in another city
Or a nobody in a rival theatre company
Or someone from my neighbourhood who collected match sticks, and firewood for her own funeral
Before she passed away